Don't Forget To Smile...

Short on time? Click the button to go to the audio version of this blog. Have a listen while you work/cook/drive/pretend you're listening to something really important!

MP3 Download

For those who like a little music while you read, this week's playlist is not so subtly linked to the blog's theme of loneliness.

Goldilocks Was Innocent!

You were lied to as a kid.

Bold statement, I know...or maybe not. I mean, if you grew up in the 70s/80s like me you've probably realised by now that page 1 of the parenting handbook was 'tell them whatever you need to to make sure you win the argument!' Any of these sound familiar?

  • If you swallow the apple pip a tree will grow inside you and burst out of your stomach,
  • You can't go swimming now, you've just eaten. You'll get cramps and drown,
  • When you hear the music playing it means the ice-cream van's sold out.

No? Just me? Hmmm 🤔. Anyway, I digress. Let me get back on track and tell you a story instead.

Once upon a time, there was a poor, tired girl called Goldilocks. She'd been walking in the woods with her family, but somehow had become separated. That was several hours ago now, and she was beginning to feel hungry, tired, and most of all scared. All of a sudden she saw what looked like a house in the distance, and headed towards it. As she approached, she could see that the door was wide open. Goldilocks knew never to leave her front door open, and so she became worried that something bad had happened to the owners of this house. Maybe they'd been robbed...or worse. She called out but received no reply. Bravely she entered the house to investigate further, and see if anyone needed help.

Not quite the way you remember the story going? Maybe that's because sometimes there's more to a story than there seems at first glance. Important to remember that, isn't it. We're going to come back to this later.

World Smile Day

In 1963 a man named Harvey Ball created the smiley face 😁 - almost instantly he regretted it. He worried that it would become overused, and its impact would be lessened. Turns out, he wasn't wrong. The smiley face has been plastered everywhere in popular culture, to the point that it rarely represents Ball's aim of highlighting the power of a smile.

In 1999 the first 'World Smile Day' event took place, in an attempt to regain the power of the smiley face, and remind the people of the power of a smile in brightening someone else's day. There are always ideas for how you can do this. This year, on the World Smile Day website they list 3 activities you can try:

  1. Do unto others,
  2. Follow your dreams,
  3. Commit a random act of kindness.

All great ideas. I'm all for making other people happy.

Some Important People To Remember

Now, this blog might seem like it's jumping all over the place. But trust me, it all hangs together as you'll see in a minute. But first, let me give you the names of some very important people, and then you might see where I'm heading:

  • Robin Williams
  • Jim Carrey
  • Ellen Degeneres
  • Matthew Perry


...My daughter

So, what do they all have in common? For the first 4, the famous 4, it's what we call a 'social smile'. Whereas for the last one, the most important one, it's something known as 'masking'. We'll have a look at both of those terms in a bit more details here, and as we do I want you to keep that first name in the forefront of your minds...Robin Williams

Trying To Fit In

So what is a social smile? Well, it's a term that comes from early childhood development. Very early on in a child's life, around 2-4 months old, they develop an awareness of their smile, and how to use it to form, and deepen, their connection to their primary caregiver. It's that "if I smile at this one they make nice noises at me and give me cuddles" view.

Well, it doesn't change much when we think about how it relates to adults. Most of us know the unwritten social cues of society, the expectations on us all as to how to behave in certain situations, how we're expected to feel...the image we're supposed to portray to other in polite society. The problem is, we don't always feel those things on the inside. Because of the taboo, the stigma, the lack of understanding still surrounding mental health and wellbeing, we feel unable to express our inner turmoil for other to see. So what do we do? We try to cover for it by forming and deepening our connections with those around us. To fit in. To blend in. To avoid having to talk about, and explain what we are going through. So we smile when we're 'supposed' to. When the unwritten social cues demand it. A Social Smile.

So, what's so wrong with that? Why does it matter if we're smiling when we don't mean it. If we suppress our inner storms to please those around us? If we bottle up, swallow down, and stoke the fires of our ill mental health instead of speaking up and admitting "I'm not OK, and that's OK. I don't need to hide it". Well, let's take another look at that list of 4 famous names again. What do they all have in common? Comedy, for one. They've all built their lives on making others laugh. On wanting to be valued. On making a connection. They're all considered some of the funniest, the happiest, in Hollywood. They have also all suffered from extreme levels of depression, which they have hidden well with their comedy. But hiding, and blending in, isn't helping. What's the harm of a social smile? Well, just take another look at that first name on the list.

Masking is slightly different. It's a term most commonly used with neurodivergent individuals. When you have a neurodivergent mind the world can be a strange and confusing place at times. Things that neurotypicals take for granted - things like subtext, spontaneity, friendships - can prove close to impossible to understand. But again, you know that this isn't normal, you know that you should understand these things. So what do you do? You copy what those around you are doing, without fully understanding why. You read the expectation and respond, without knowing why. You mask. Why is masking a problem? What's wrong with wanting to fit in without understanding why? Well, there are more studies being conducted into masking (or sometimes known as social camouflage), which show the link between this and higher levels of anxiety and depression. And, as we saw in my last blog, autistic adults are 9 times as likely to die from suicide.

What's The Point

So why am I talking about all of this in relation to World Smile Day? 2 simple, and contradictory reasons:

  1. Having a day devoted to smiling at others, with the sole purpose of making them happy, is a fantastic, worthy, brilliant campaign,
  2. Having a day devoted to telling people to smile is a potentially dangerous and damaging thing. But it also serves to remind us that not all the smiles we see belong to the individual wearing them. Some are the mask society has told them to wear, to cover out of sight their true feelings.

By all means celebrate the day...I know I will be. But remember, a conversation does more than a smile. And if you're someone with a mask or social smile, just remember that a friend doesn't want you to fake who you are to fit in. They want to experience life with you, not with your mask. They want to talk about your storms and your rainbows, to support you, and to celebrate with you. Be brave. If you're not feeling it, leave the smile at home this World Smile Day and have a conversation instead.