Don't Forget To Smile...
Short on time? Click the button to go to the audio version of this blog. Have a listen while you work/cook/drive/pretend you're listening to something really important!
If you're just here for the video of me making a fool of myself, scroll to the bottom or click the GIF on the far right.
If you like a little music while you read, I'm trying something new. A selection of acoustic coffeehouse sounds to pick from and listen while you read.
- Windshield - Up to you (4:09)
- The Eastern Plain - In and out of love (4:25)
- Bird of Figment - Beauty in the mundane (3:16)
Relational Health
When you think about extroverts and introverts you instantly think about Winnie the Pooh, right? 😂. That's only natural isn't it?! Not just me and my crazy brain?? 🙄.
No...
Ok. Bear with me, and let me explain my thinking. This all ties in to Relational Health, I promise.
If you had to define the characteristics of an extrovert what would you say? Someone outgoing, right? Someone who likes all the attention on them, quite loud, happy starting conversations. Someone, who struggles to be alone, who has a dozen ideas buzzing around their head at once, someone who tends to act before they think.
'A Socially Confident Person' (I got that one from Google! Good, right? You can thank me later).
Basically, extroverts are Tigger!
So, where does that leave the introverts then?
Well, typically introverts are seen as people who like their own company, being around other people for too long is just too draining for them. Introverts are happy, self-confident, they don't need outside validation. From the outside they might seem very quiet, and you may find it difficult to get to know them. But if you manage it, you'll find yourself welcomed into a small, but select group of treasured people.
You guessed it, introverts are Eeyore!
Winnie the Pooh's awesome for explaining all kinds of psychological, neurological and any other -ogical condition you can think of! People have used it to explain Bipolar Disorder, Narcissism, Anxiety, OCD ...although, don't get me started on the inaccuracies in the way people use it to talk about ADHD!
The Lies of the Collective Unconscious
There's only one thing wrong with using terms like extroverts and introverts to talk about how we interact with others, and our Relational Health needs...
It's all totally wrong.
A bold statement I know. Everything we think we know about our social needs and displays is nothing more than a lie we've been told for so long, we can't even see it!
It's quite good that, isn't it. Dramatic. Something of the flair about it. Little misleading though. Still, grabbed your attention didn't it?
Let me elaborate...
First of all, there's no such thing as AN extrovert, or AN introvert. Depending on who/what you read, there are actually around 2-4 different types of each.
But even that is irrelevant when you recognise, and accept, the term AMBIVERT.
An ambivert is a term used to describe someone, who at different times, will show either extroverted, or introverted traits. Or, put more simply, they're a little bit of both.
I'm an ambivert. Some of you will know the quiet side of me that likes to study, others the silly, outgoing side that takes on any challenge. And that right there is exactly the point of all this pre-amble. We are all so much more than we allow any one person to see. We all have different sides to our characters and personalities. We are all ambiverts to different degrees. Recognising that is essential in understanding how to fulfil our individual Relational Needs.
'No Man is an Island'
No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
That's John Donne that is. It's quite good isn't it? I've always liked that poem, and it's especially good for explaining Relational Health.
No-one is an island. Human beings are social creatures, it's written deep in to our DNA. We rely on other people for support in ways most of us don't even realise. When we're in our introvert phase we may think "I don't need people to feel better, i've got my books/art/TV" etc. But that's not really what Relational Health is all about, (and even if it were we'd soon bounce into our extrovert phase and start needing people again!)
Other people, and how we relate to them, are how we get to celebrate, and embrace our whole selves. How we shed the negative feelings that shroud us when we have to suppress our characters, and who we truly are. We all do it, it's part of living in the modern world. Being able to compartmentalise our personalities.
The Rivers, Lakes and Estuaries Of My Island
Let's take me as an example. And here I'm going to hammer Donne's metaphor until it's truly flattened beyond recognition! 😂
The island that is me is made up of many waterways, and they all feed into the ocean of my wellbeing that surrounds me, and keeps me afloat. 🌊
I have my own salt lake that never lets me sink beneath the surface, and constantly heals me - my partner
I have canals, who let me open the lock gates when I think I've learned all that I can; then help me refill them with new knowledge, over and over - my equally study-obsessed friends and colleagues (you know I'm looking at you here, for this one, Mrs Vollans 🤓😂)
I have still reservoirs that are happy to see me calm and focussed, not confusing the stillness of the water with crazy speedboats, or ill-thought dives - my professional connections
I have winding rivers, with gentle rapids. They give me excitement and let me take a journey where every turn is unique, and every rapid on my route needs me to think fast - the children I teach
And last, but by no means least, I have the world's most awesome beach 🏖️ It puts up with me no matter what. Whether I'm going crazy in the water, or collapsing with no energy on the beach. Whether I'm pushing myself too far in the surf, or spending too long sunbathing on the sand - my family
These are just some of the things my family have to suffer so nobody else has to!
Without ALL of these different types of relationships, my sense of wellbeing truly would suffer.
Just to make sure I really have hammered this metaphor to death, there's no way I'd be able to take my kite-surf onto a still, Wake-Free-Zoned reservoir.
Just like I couldn't take a canal boat down the winding rapids. Each of these waterways...each of these groups of people...ALL fulfil a Relational Need for me.
Without the space, and support, to let loose the side of me that needs to study, to teach, to create, or to let the crazy out, I just wouldn't be happy. I wouldn't be me. Having different groups of people that recognise this, share this, support this, is key. Nurturing these people, and building ways to keep all aspects of your Relational Energy topped up is essential in the journey to becoming 'well-beings'.
I sincerely urge you to spend some time getting to know your own Island. What's it made of? What connects it all together? In short, what makes you...you?
Then think about who shares, (and who suffers), those aspects with you. Is there somewhere you need someone to share your interests and top up your relational energy?
My Own Slice Of Crazy
While you're spending a little time self-reflecting, here's a little glimpse at what my family has to put up with, and why you need the right people for the right side of you! I love my job, I really do, teaching's the best job in the world and I could never consider anything else. But when the holidays come round, I need some time to put professional Mr White in his little holiday box, and let crazy, creative Mr White out for a bit. My family are the best at supporting (suffering 🤔?) that!! Crazy, creative Mr White is NOT for work to have to put up with!! 😂
Why not get in touch and let me know how you support your psychological health? Share your ideas with me on Twitter, and use the hashtag #toppingup