The 4 Pillars of Wellbeing - Part 3

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For those who like a little music while you read, here's a little of what's currently stuck in my head on repeat! (Plus a bit of Daft Punk for further down the Blog)

Emotional Health

This is both the easiest, and hardest of the 4 Pillars of Wellbeing to write about. I mean, it's simple right? "Emotional Health is just about making sure we get what we need to stay happy" I hear you say.

Ahh, ok, so all we need to do now is write a blog called how to be happy all the time and never let anything get you down! Hmm, that must be the tricky bit.

Well, no, actually. It's even more complicated than that. You see, if you've followed my ramblings for a while you will have heard me talk about Emotional Logic before. What I'm talking about today is not that (although it does link to it). If you want to find out more about that you can find a link to their website, and some other videos I've made on the topic in the useful links section of this website.

This is more my rambling thoughts on what it takes to build emotional resilience, and take life in your stride.

What you do need to understand though, is that there are no bad emotions. Every emotion, however unpleasant it might feel, has a useful purpose. Recognising that will get you half-way to ensuring you're always on top of your Emotional Health.

No Hard Feelings

So let's just dig into that statement a little deeper shall we - "...there are no bad emotions. Every emotion, however unpleasant it might feel, has a useful purpose."

What does that actually mean?
How does that help us to manage our Emotional Health?

Well, for that first question we're going to need to touch on all that Emotional Logic stuff I said I wasn't going to talk about 🙄😂! But I am going to be brief, honestly. (And trust me, follow the link to find out more if it sparks your interest, it is genuinely worth looking into if you don't already know about it).

All Things Have Purpose

Part of maintaining good Emotional Health is recognising what our bodies are telling us. To know the signs that mean we're feeling let down, or angry, or shocked by something. All too often we don't know that this is what's happening to us. Instead we just know we're feeling a bit...off. And usually the first sign of this is a loved one telling us we don't seem the same as normal, or saying something like, "hey, stop snapping at me!"

When we recognise the bodily sensations attached to an emotion, we can start to put a name to what's happening with us, and begin to understand the purpose of that emotion.

Now, I did say I was going to keep this bit brief, so I'm just going to give you one example. Let's take depression. For me, the first sign of this is my partner telling me I'm a bit edgy, taking things too seriously, not as impulsive and funny as normal.

via GIPHY

I've come to recognise those signs myself now. I can see when I'm heading towards that empty feeling. I start to go very insular, I don't have the energy to talk, any amount of even slightly elevated noise sets me on edge, I can't be bothered to eat, drink, or even move off the sofa really.

That's useful. That, tells me I'm feeling depressed. Knowing that is really useful - because I know that depression is telling me something. It's telling me to slow down, that I've taken on too much...again 🙄...that I need to take a pause, give myself time to rest, and ask for help. And that's why it's so important to keep my Relational Health topped up, so I know I've got people I can turn to and rely on. (See last week's blog on Relational Health)

It's the same for all of those so called negative emotions. They all have a purpose. Recognising that allows you to channel that purpose, rather than become overwhelmed by the physical sensations attached to it.

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

Yes, that is a Daft Punk song. Yes it really is appropriate here. And yes, I have added it to this blog's Spotify playlist, you lucky things! 😉

Here's another quote: "Life doesn't get easier or more forgiving; we get stronger and more resilient" - Dr. Steve Maraboli.

I think that hits the nail on the head right there. Knowing the purpose of our emotions, or how to recognise them, or how they feel, uniquely, to us, and how we respond to experiencing them. How does any of that help us develop our Emotional Health? I'll tell you how. It helps us to seek out situations, people, events, experiences, that put us into those uncomfortable places.

Not quite what you were expecting from a blog aimed at supporting Emotional Health? We're a long way from that "let's write a blog called how to be happy all the time and never let anything get you down" idea now, aren't we?!

So why would anyone deliberately look to put themselves into an uncomfortable emotional state??? For the exact reason of that Daft Punk song. To make us Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - that's why.

You cannot plan for every event in life. If it hasn't happened to you already, at some point, something is going to come along that you had no chance of seeing in advance. And it's going to knock you for six. Trust me on this one.

By taking a good, long, hard look at yourself (and by listening to some honest feedback from those closest to you), you're going to get to know where your strengths and weaknesses are. You're going to find out what emotions you can handle, and what ones you can't.

Folks, you're looking for your breaking point here!

Once you've found all that out, you can start strengthening your metaphorical armour. That's why someone would intentionally seek out those unpleasant experiences. For me, it was anger. I'd always held this view that being angry was a bad thing. After all, angry people can be scary people, and nobody wants to make other people scared (or be around that themselves). So, without realising it, I would always suppress my anger. I'd spiritually bypass...smile and just say, "no, it's fine". But that's not helpful. In fact, it's the opposite. What I was doing was leaving unresolved issues to linger, and fester. I was trying to avoid being angry because I didn't like that feeling, and I didn't want anyone else to have to suffer it. But the result was an equally unpleasant atmosphere, where everyone knows something is wrong, but nobody talks about it.

I've learned now that anger is a good thing. It's letting me know that something I love and value - a belief, a moral, a way of life - is under threat. It's okay to be angry about that. It's a natural response. Now, anger, like all emotions, comes in varying degrees, and we display it in different ways. What's not okay is to express your anger in ways that upset, hurt or scare others. I have a great partner, and I talk with her through what's made me angry and why. She helped me learn to accept being angry. To welcome it in when I felt it. To acknowledge that it was a valid feeling for the situation. Because of her forcing me to face those experiences and feelings head on, I have become a stronger person. I know what I stand for. I know what my beliefs, values and morals are. But more importantly, I know that it's ok to respond when they're under threat, not to just brush it off and let my Emotional Wellbeing suffer as a result.

We all have emotions we haven't fully mastered. Life is the ultimate rollercoaster after all, full of hidden twists and curves to keep us on our toes. The trick is to keep learning from the ride. When you hit a twist you weren't prepared for you've got two choices:

Let yourself get thrown out and vow never to go on that kind of ride again, or
Dust yourself off, actively look for the next turn and say, "right, I might not have handled that one well, but this time I'm ready. Bring it on!"

I am by no means perfect. I'm as flawed a human being as the next (wo)man. But I am learning. Growing. I know which of those approaches I'd rather take.

Find Your Happy

Now, all that's well and good. But sometimes you just want a little pick me up. You don't want to be 'strengthening your metaphorical armour'. You just want to take your mind off whatever's weighing it down, and to feel a little brighter. Self-development can wait until tomorrow. Well, that's okay too. But that needs a little bit of prep-work in advance. So, when you're feeling good. Top of your game. Can't imagine being down in the dumps. Well, that's when you need to imagine being down in the dumps, and make a list of all the things you know that will lift you out of it (that's reactive planning). While you're at it, why not spend some time listing a few things you know keep you bubbly in the first place. The things that stop you getting down (that's proactive planning).

Here's a few of mine to start you off. Why not come and share some ideas with me on Twitter. You can click the link at the top to go to my page. Tag me with your suggestions for boosting your mood, and use the hashtag #NoMoodyBlues